Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
