I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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