I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
