She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
