they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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