There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
