I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We are two peas in an std pod
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
