yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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