So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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