new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
