You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize