Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
