I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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