He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
