i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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