Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
