dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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