Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
