I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
