Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
