i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
