my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
