Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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