What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
