so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
