i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
