I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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