actually, I'm a sock model
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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