if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
don't judge my taste in strippers
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
