I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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