I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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