On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
