I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
