This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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