the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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