you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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