we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
