I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
