girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
