Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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