her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
