Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
