i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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