All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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