I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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