I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
