Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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