he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We are two peas in an std pod
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
