I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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