I think I won the penis lottery.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
