Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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