Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have aggressive nipples.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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