No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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