I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just invented taco cereal.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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