drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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